Black Friday Comedy Adventures: Part 2
The 2024 Black Friday Comedy Special at McGarvey's turned into a comedienne's dramedy - what do you do when your ex shows up at your comedy show with his buddy Jack Daniels?
Lucky me - I kept up with comedy enough, and running open mics at McGarvey’s bar, and made enough comedian friends to get a spot again at the next Black Friday show at McGarvey’s. Read more about 2023 in Part 1!
2024 was the year I decided to try dating again. This was the same year my common sense went flying out the window. This combination did not go well, both for my comedy sets and for my love life.
2024: Whiskey is NOT Your Friend
Remember my poor taste in men? Let’s circle back to that and traumatize me all over again. In 2024, I decided to make the Black Friday 2024 show focus on what I learned from how I kept dating theologically undercooked atheists and thinking it would somehow work out the next time around.
You know the type: still in their emo phase, philosophizing through metaphorical black eyeliner, rebelling against their mother and God simultaneously.
My tragic typecasting has followed me into my comedy career. My bestie Ed can’t scroll past a reel roasting bassists without sending it to me - occupational hazard of trying that one time to date a fellow musician.
The only good bit I wrote in 2024 came from that relationship - because the only thing more chaotic than dating him was processing it. Whose fault is it that this tragic pairing was happening? Well, not entirely really my exes entire fault for being who he was, and there is some blame left for me thinking we could coexist with how strongly we felt about these theological beliefs.
To cope with, yet again, me losing all my senses, my best comedic set of 2024 came from this blunder on my part. I certainly built this bit from arguments often shared from a couple where no common sense was shared by either party.
I had to find a way to cope with the rough arguments that came from being with someone who was diametrically and vehemently theologically opposed to you. A memoir of this relationship could be called:
“At least I don’t worship a figment of my imagination…”
And other testimonies of dating people who don’t respect your values
Note: I just want my atheist readers to know these insights are NOT blanket judgments or statements against atheists. My situation was more a particularly fermented flavor of atheist. These jokes were used to reclaim my sense of dignity and pride, and they were my own form of petty revenge.
Who would not want a little vengeance someone who would like to astral project to the communist revolution in Russia because he discovered the Communist Manifesto in an introduction to 20th century economics class, shook Bernie Sander’s hand once and made it his entire personality, and reminded you at every chance he got? Look, it didn’t qualify for any misdemeanors. I didn’t key his car. I just used a microphone and a stage and made others laugh in the process.
Early Reception of the Atheist Roast Session
I tried this bit out before the relationship ended and a month before the Black Friday show, and it made a … um, shall we say, impact. A poet at an open mic took offense at the oddest point of the bit.
My bit was more of a play on words:
Like, why do atheists say anything is heavenly?
Why do they say they had a work day from hell?
Why would they even say “Oh, my God!”
It’s all pretty vanilla material in terms of the comedy word.
These phrases elicited a spirited reaction from the poet. Through this experience, I learned that the natural predator of the comedian is the poet. I thought poets were docile creatures but it turns out they are quite tribal - you come for another one of their atheists and they will defend the village, especially when you don’t take their advice.
His very, very important advice (which I’m not sure translates well from poetry to comedy) that he felt I must take was:
“You should state your love for your partner before presenting a bit; it will make the audience more open to your bit.”
Wait.
What?
Love?
LOVE?
Who said anything about love?!
(But also, very on brand advice for a poet).
I wasn’t in love with him - which I also shared with the poet, which seemed to enrage the poet more.
Oops. I should have known.
He was, maybe, having a bad day and had a few too many porters that didn’t actually help his bad day - I became the target of his ire with my light hearted bit. I was called a witch with a B, and, well, I have a temper… So my response wasn’t exactly Mr. Rogers approved.
I chased him into the parking lot and gave him a piece of my fiery mind. He then ran into the brewery from the performance area - beckoning his wife for help from the scary mean comedian lady.
Little did I know the first reception of this bit was only the start of the drama…
A Night of Comedy turns into (petty) Tragedy
Little did I know that this picture of Dylan was the calm before the storm… And my breakup aftermath was going to be on display at the comedy night.
My ex asked before if he could come to support. I bought into the lie that you could be friends with your exes. I said it was fine he showed up, he asked for permission, but he and Emotional Barrel-Aged Therapy were also doing the inner work for the evening - and a few shots of Gas Station Bourbon encouraged him to make some… interesting, choices.
I had already chosen the bit I was going to go with, and I wasn’t entirely sure if my ex was showing up.
But, the best bit I had for this entire dry comedic year was based on him.
Oh, no.
Oh, crap.
No. No no no no.
What do I do?
Do I do the only bit that worked for me this year, and roast him to his face, in front of an entire audience, or go with an untested bit and bomb at an already stressful time in my life?
I thought about it during the day on Friday, listened to some sassy songs, and thought about my exes feelings…
And, congruently, how he did not consider mine for the considerable duration of the relationship.
And, asked the headliner comedians for advice and showed them the situation unfolding before our eyes after my ex arrived.
The headliners said go for it. (Evidently, that’s the collateral damage of dating a female comedian.)
And so, that’s what I did. I still performed the bit (see a portion below). I left my exes name out of it, but, he knew it was about him, and I didn’t bomb. And made sure I knew afterwards. (Eeek).
Comedy turned in to Real Life Dramedy
Before, during and after my set, my ex was catching up with his buddy The Liquid Wingman, and their conversation was going very well. I couldn’t tell outwardly, but I saw a couple of shot glasses moving towards and away from him through the evening.
He wanted to speak after the show outside of the bar, and I assumed it was going to be a bunch of complaints lodged about me farming our differences for the comedy bit. Remember how tribal atheists get, from part 1! I was prepared for that, it was fine. I had my coat on and I was ready for a longwinded rant. I was ready to dodge some insults and threats of violence.
But, eh, erm, no.
It was worse than that.
Much worse.
His buddy Malted Courage convinced him that this was a good time to lodge one of the third-ish attempts to try and win me back. This was the usually successful romance-drama adjacent movie type speeches, of which I’m unwilling to give you in graphic detail lest I give myself PTSD flashbacks of the event.
There was crying. There was begging. There was a dramatic kneel that turned into a fall, like Romeo meets Life Alert.
Yes, Life Alert.
He fell on the concrete and tried to get back up unsuccessfully a few times, to the point that I think it was an audition for an updated millennial version of Life Alert.
Honestly? I’m blaming the Kentucky Philosopher Juice. The man was possessed.
Can atheists get possessed? I’m not going to ask him…
It didn’t help that my friends were watching this whole liquor-lubricated meltdown like it was intermission at the opera. I was getting texts from friends as I was losing feeling in my cold fingers (and heart, evidently) from the frigid air outside of McGarvey’s.
“Are you okay out there?”
“Do you need us to come outside?”
“Did you know Pike is short for Pichael?”
The last one made me laugh at the worst possible time - my ex had visible tears after I reiterated to a man with a blood type that had become half Jack Daniels that a religiously active individual and a staunch atheist can’t really coexist in an atmosphere of intolerance.
At the worst possible time, I was stifling laughter absurd meme humor from my phone, and my logic made its way through the The Astral Projection Cocktail. The impossibility of the situation struck him as he cried, and he remarked:
“You’re laughing!
I’m bearing my heart and soul out to you,
and you’re out here laughing!”'
There was nothing I could do. Pichael had taken root at the worst possible time. I struggled to contain the laughter even more so.
It truly felt like a scene from a tragic comedy, brought to you by Trailer Park Champagne.
You know what they say: All’s well that ends… Yes, just ends.
I decided to end the tragedy and go back inside the bar to my friends who were beckoning me to come inside. Er, after he got back onto his feet, that is. I did receive a text later with an apology for the impromptu post breakup regret flash mob I experienced (yes, Cowboy Tea was to blame, as we all suspected).
Unfortunately (for him, not for me), his attempts to rekindle our tragic non-love affair didn’t work out, and honestly, he’s living a much less stressful life without me. But here we are, again, another Black Friday for me to remember. At least we didn’t have to revive my ex on the concrete and no EMS team was needed.
TL;DR: Whiskey is not your friend. It will tell you to do things that are not in your best interest, such as, show up at your exes comedy show and try to convince her to take you back even though you are both diametrically opposed at a spiritual level. Thanks for the memories… I suppose.
And: I decided to stop dating musicians (and atheists) after that night.
Again: You definitely want to make sure you’re part of the magic this year in 2025 if you’re in central PA… Purchase your tickets here!
